Twas the Night Before Analysis or A Visit from the Chief Data Scientist

By Gordon MacMasterTwas the night before analysis, when all thro the lab Not a consultant was stirring, no more coffee to grab The algorithms were coded in the system with care In hopes that the data soon would be there The Data Scientists, restless, tired and half dead Visualizations of regressions dancd in their headsTech support on call, and I with a beer can Had just settled my brain, data munging began When from the data warehouse arose a clatter I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter Away to the phone, that rang off the hook “We may be in trouble!.Quick take a look!”I looked at the screen, where the data was displayed My heart skipped a beat, and I was dismayed When what to my blurry eyes should appear But thousands of errors, it was our greatest fear The data was scrambled, the analysis was damned I knew in a moment, it just hit the fanI sat there in shock, when an idea came to me Then I scrambled and shouted for data quality: “Now!.Error, now!.Accuracy, now!.Bias and Precision, “On!.Variance, on!.Sampling, on!.ANOVA and Correlation; “Use every technique no matter how off the wall!” “Now Cleanse away!.Cleanse away!.Cleanse away all!”They dove at their keyboards and let their fingers fly But it was so bad, the analysts started to cry I looked at my computer as the errors ran past I had to think of a fix, and think of it fast.And then in a twinkling, I heard at the door The Chief Data Scientist, and a few moreThey came to my office, it was a bad situation My boss puts the mean in standard deviation The data was hosed, the analysis failed I really wish earlier that I had inhaled My boss hit the screen, and it quickly cracked And he lookd like a grey wolf just about to attackHis eyes — how they blazed!.Oh what a fury His cheeks were bright red, rage like a flurry “What happened here?” He wanted to know, “Why is the analysis now a no go?” I trembled inside, gritted my teeth And opened the dataset lurking underneathAnd when I executed the command All of the clusters became a wasteland “We can’t tell the Client it is already a failure!” “I have to think of something that I can tell them later!” His flashing eyes and scratching his head Soon gave me to know I had something to dreadHe spoke not a word, but went straight to his phone He typed out a text, finished it with a groan He reached into his pocket to do what he planned And handed me a pink slip, I had been canned!.“We cannot let anyone know that something went wrong.” “So get out of this office, and don’t take too long!” And I heard him proclaim, as he walked out of sight “That was your two week notice!. More details

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